


Y'all've'f'I'd've

by connormurphyismychild (aMagizoologistNamedAsh)



Category: Guardians of the Galaxy (Movies), The Emoji Movie (2017), Wot in Tarnation- Ash and Jared(2017), corn - Fandom
Genre: Crackfick, Farm Laws, GENE!, Im imagining the wrinkle in time house, Memes, Other, RIP, and coolness, but this is a crackfic, dont ask please, farm, for my wife's birthday, i don't even do crack, oof, or Jared, or forever hold your sanity, sing happy birthday to a person named Michael/Jeremy, this is a meme, who is the one guest who left kudos speak now, wot in tarnation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-27
Updated: 2017-08-27
Packaged: 2018-12-20 09:36:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,287
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11918112
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aMagizoologistNamedAsh/pseuds/connormurphyismychild
Summary: For my wife's birthday!plattonic wife.A made up musical's fanfiction, right heere.





	Y'all've'f'I'd've

**Author's Note:**

  * For [My wife!Jared Kleinman](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=My+wife%21Jared+Kleinman).



> Y'all I wrote this in a hurricane and this was my life goal.  
> Yaaay.
> 
> I laughed while writing this I had to stop half way through because I was just,,,laughign jfc.
> 
> **_IMPORTANT:_ READ IN MALE COUNTRY ACCENT WHOLE WAY THROUGH**

It was a’ rainin’ cats and donkers, if I do say so myself. The sun was high in the shkimmering sky, like it always was- though it was ‘er rainin’. Nothing was seemin’ too hogwashy.

“Did ya corral those donkeroos into their cernals?” I yelled as Tarnation barsted through the front door. They shook their head. For a good ol’ moment, I thought Tarn had a developed whiperlash.

“Yes, Wot. I just did, to your command. I swear, those things are your children.” I put my hand over mer hert and said the same blessing I had been taught when i wa’ just a lil’ bean.

“Forever in my dear body/shall I take the care of ‘ese creetires./And should this law be a’ breken/ ''tis the day I am wounded and/dead. Amen.” I wiped oof the tears that had uncontrollably watered their way out of my tear o’ ducts. Tarnation rolled their eyes and shoved me.

“Overdramtic,” but they were laughing up a storm. A lighting beamed me up ‘n’ out of the sky, just like our ol’ Scotty. I liked to see my Tarnation seengling smile.

Anyerways.

I hacked, “Now you better not catch a cold, Tarny. I don't have aynuff gravay to cover the biscuits.” As if on a er que, they sneezed right then. I cursed in Cow. She had it badly as a waitress being robbed.

I ushered the non-binary folk upstairs, then gallied my way into the kitchen.

After I knew she was up the steirs, I sighed a sigh that could rumble up a tarnado. I fell in a deep well of love with that Tarnation. Her Spanish skin, those shinning brownin’ eyes and hazel a’ hair gave me a huffle.

Anyerway.

I made some famous country sweetin’ tea, which gives anyone but native countriens diabetes on the spot. 

I jaunted upwards to Tarn’s room, and was stopped by the howling of our good, old faithful dog, Ms. Cornrow. She was ‘fraid of storms like this one going down heere. This one sounded like my little cousin was beatin’ on his lil’ drum outside our winder. Gosh jolly gee.

“Aren't you a good fella,” I said to Ms. Cornrow as I stood up, holding back onto the tea tray. She went to sleepin’.

I knocked on Tarnation’s door. “Can I come on in?”

A muffled,”Yep,” followed, with a coughin’ fit after. I hated to see them thiser way

“You gon’ be alright,” I said, either questioningly or reassuringagly. They nodded.

“Just a little cold, Wot, I'll be fine,” Tarn tried to tell me, but I didn't er let them. They were just too dang ol’ sick for this.

“Get under ye blanker,” I demanded. They laughed. “What?” I asked. Didn't see anythin’ funny round heere.

“Nothing, nothing. Just your accent…” they paused as I raised an eye a’ brow,”...on music! I mean, you haven't changed ‘Wonderwall’ to your country crap yet.” A smile dawned on their face like a day of sun. I narrowed me eyes jokingly.

“You dare insult holy tunes!” I exclaimed.

“I dare to insult any country thing, Wot.”

I gasped. They took this too far.

Tarnation flicked me. “Take a joke, dick.”

And they cussed!

Their a’ cough brought me back to my senseries. I shoved the tea into their hands. “Drink like there ain't no tomarrow.”

Funny thinger is, they ain't even like that tea when Tarnation first came aroundbout. Too sweet, they'd always be conplainin’. Now, after a few years, they'd be gettin’ to likin’ it. I'm just glad she didn't get the case of the diabetes, like my grandmother did. Killled her, there on that spot. Sad day, for ev’ryone.

But I keep hustlin’, yes I do. Never gon’ stop racing towards those dreams. I popped a Jolly Rancher sucker into my mouth. Tarnation rolled their eyes.

“You'll get sick from eating all those sugar crapping candies.”

I flashed a country style grin. “Sure am, honey.” They screamed and shivered me jimbers.

“I'm gonna just. Go. To bed. Because it's 9, and I am a normal person who actually sleeps,” Tarn yawned. How did they maneage to make a yawn look raviashing?

“Sleep tight. I ain't no normal guy, so I never sleep. I hunt for prey, scowling for that food. It's what gets us that dinner.” I placed my hand over my hert a secondest time, this round saying The Law #2.

“I swear/to Jailbreak, the goddess/ to always reaplace any food I eat/ with ‘nother animal/ for forever and/ eternity/ may rise within/ this Farmer Pledge/Amen.”

Tarnation blinked once a more. “The hell, Wot?”

I gasped. They cussed three times today!

“The heck, Wot?” They corrected themerselfvers. I nodded. Approval of the Farmer blessed throughout this holy house.

I tucked them into er bed, then sat down into the chair by it. I wasn't about to leave my love alone while in sufferin’!

Sure, we weren't dating or marriaed or anyerthing. But I didn't need them to love me back. Just for Tarn to be a safe.

I eventually fell into deeper than the grave I dug for Grunny sleep. It was peaceful, just like Yondu's funeral.

//timerskip brought to you by a loving plattonic wife writing fanfiction for her wife’s birthday. You told me your favourite musical was Wot in Tarnation. I was going to write a Meremy fanfic in your honour, buuuuuut then a wild meme appeared//

I patted their back as they a’ coughed real badaly.

“Butter my butt and call me a darn bisquick, you sure a cougnin’ today!” I exclaimed. Tarn attempted to punch me in the er nuts, but I expertly dodged this unholy act upon the disgrace of Law #3.

“A lady/man/or fellow farm a folk/shall never attempt to/disgracefully and angeredly/punch one in the balls/ever/as the Heavenly Father said/Amen.” I peraformed a mini bow after this one, for it was an importen’ rule of thumb. Tarnation shook her head.

“I give up.” They grabbed my hand as another coughing fit perasued. I squeezed it.

“You shoulda gave up ‘long time ‘go,” I pointed er out. I lit a 3x14 scented candle in the derk room. I handed them a plaiderin’ button-up shirt. Tarn put it in over the t-shirt she be wearin’. I tipped my hat.

“Good sleep?” I asked. They a nodded.

“You have the same candle in each room, Wot. Why?” they asked. I gestured to the lit candel.

“Because,” I reasoned angerily,” it's the only manly scent!”

They snorted. “You and your ‘fragile masculinity’. Get over it.” Tarnation let go of my hand. My hend felt a cold.

“I just do not want to be feminine! I have to stick up for myself, in front of my guys. Show I'm strong.” I looked into the distance as an American flag appeared behind me and a bald eagle flew through the windoer. Tarnation didn't utter no word. They're as silent as a silent deer.

“Wot, you're pansexual. Shouldn't you be, at the very least, slightly feminine? And anyway, candles are a- I mean, are a nice addition to the room,” she stuttered. I puffed out my Amurican chest. They rested their head on my a shoulder.

“They sure are. I think it smrells amazing in heere,” I decided. They a nod, too.

I talked for awhile before realising Tarnation was sleepin’ like a Ms. Cornrow on a tireful day. I smurled a little.

They were so adereble like this.

Maybe the corn could wait to be charcked on a bit.

I kissed them on er forehead, “Goodnert,” then fell asleep with them.

I loved them like a this. 

**Author's Note:**

> HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU  
> HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU  
> HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAREST WIIIFFEEE  
> HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!
> 
> This crackfic is all her fault I was gonna write Player One & Two Pt. three buuuuut.  
> This.   
> Happened.


End file.
